One of life’s most difficult situations is when someone you love is no longer present in your life, especially if that someone is a child. It’s a given thing that sometime in your life as a parent; you and a child are going to have a major disagreement. This so frequently happens with life transitions and as we approach retirement. Many Baby Boomers are experiencing this as their adult children sometimes move back home. Maybe they are retiring from one career and wanting to start their own business, so children see a shift in financial allocations. Possibly the “empty nest” syndrome is finally hitting everyone; life is going to be different and change is hard. Being disconnected from someone you love is a very difficult, complicated and emotional situation. It can be draining, frustrating and hurtful on a daily basis.
The challenge is not to let this be fatal to your relationship. How many times have I heard a client say “Well, if he doesn’t do this, then he can forget asking me for anything!” “If she thinks I’m going to stand for that, then she can just go her own way, make her own mistakes and live with them!” These are “closing” statements that usually come from fear, frustration and anger. What’s being discounted is that the parent really loves their child and the child loves the parent.
I know you have heard the therapy buzz words “unconditional love”. My personal belief is that there is no such thing as “unconditional love” in relationships, except between a parent and a child. Even in the best of marriages, certain things are expected from the spouses for the marriage to work. Also, many studies have been done with abused children and even in the most horrific cases; the child usually still feels love for the parent. So if you dig down past the complicating emotions of fear, frustration and anger, you’ll usually find that you do truly love your child and have to believe that at some level they love you.
Again, what usually confuses the situation are these three major emotions. Fear; fear that someone will be making a serious mistake; fear that they will get hurt in some way. Frustration, frustration that you’re opinion isn’t being heard or considered, much less followed. Anger, anger that comes from the fear and frustration. Anger that you are being discounted and, especially, the thought that you might have to fix or pay for something that you don’t agree with.
So what can you do? First, take a hard look at your true feelings. Is there love in your heart for this child and do you want to have the possibility of a relationship with them? If so, then all you can do is make sure they know that you love them and that you will be there when they are ready to come to you.
Secondly, even if you aren’t speaking at the moment, you can do some things that will let them know that your door is always open to
them, when they are ready to take a step in. Sending birthday or holiday cards or emails is a simple first start. Sending a card or note for no
reason, just to say Hi and that you’re still there, is non-threatening. If one of these produces a positive reaction, then you can slowly move to a phone call every once and a while and then to a short visit. This process can take a couple of months or years – remember the timing isn’t up to you. Life does work in full circles, so keeping the possibilities open and available will allow for healing to take place at the proper time. Do what you need to do for yourself and for your heart. If they react in a negative way or not at all, then you still just do whatever you feel like you have to do, so that they will know that you love them and are ready for a relationship whenever they are. Don’t overwhelm, don’t pressure, be patient and calm. It’s kind of like my son’s comment – “Mom, don’t send me another self-help book!” My response, “As your mom, if I see something that might benefit you, then I’m going to send it. You can read it or use it as fire wood. I just have to send it.”
Thirdly, even though you make these offerings, don’t let yourself fall into the trap of expecting that these offerings will be accepted or appreciated. Don’t believe that the child will respond by sending you something. Don’t expect a phone call, just because you called. Don’t believe that they want to heal the relationship at the same time that you do. Just float the bait out there and wait for the fish to strike.
Finally, allow for the process of life, the process of time to do its work. If you haven’t already learned this huge lesson, life is not lived solely on your terms or on your timetable. You can’t control the universe, you can only control yourself. Loving a child takes patience and humility. Don’t allow fear, frustration, anger and, especially, your ego to keep you from being connected to someone you truly love.
Carolyn Bates is an ICF Certified Personal Life Coach
Specializing in successful life transitions and retirement for people 50 and older
Visit her website at www.coachinglifedesign.com
Your first consultation is always complimentary 830-598-8961
“Coaching is my passion. The success of my clients, my reward.”
Copyright © 2010 Carolyn C. Bates LLC All Rights Reserved
Carolyn C. Bates
Forming a partnership with You to Create the Life you Want
carolyn@coachinglifedesign.com
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Copyright © 2008 Carolyn C. Bates LLC All Rights Reserved
