Control = to be in charge of, to manage, to have power, to manipulate, to run, to command.
Anger = fury, rage, wrath, temper, ire, irritation, annoyance, frustration, provocation.
Most of us have experienced these two traits. Frequently, they emerge when we are feeling overwhelmed or confused. Baby Boomers and those over fifty are one of the groups that are especially dealing with these emotions, as they begin to think about changing careers, altering lifestyles, questioning an unknown future, dealing with adult children and aging parents.
Maybe you had an overbearing parent, spouse or friend; you were on the receiving end of this kind of behavior. Maybe you were the one who believed and took on these beliefs and emotions; you were the one inflicting them. Either way, the pain and negativity can be tremendous, long lasting, detrimental to self esteem and very difficult to overcome.
A parent who has been overbearing and critical can leave lifetime scars that have to be dealt with almost daily, as the child lives through adulthood. These scars can affect their relationships with their own children, friends and spouse.
A friend who tries to force and decide how and with whom you’re going to inter-relate with others, how you’re spending your time, can cause constant turmoil between you and any other relationships you might have or want.
A sibling who tries to dominate the interaction between the brothers, sisters and parents can inflict constant turmoil in a family.
First, know that anger and control are supported by a basic “fear” of something. If you are the angry or controlling person, think about what this fear might be, try to understand it, where does it come from, deal with it and then, work on letting it go. If you are on the receiving end of anger and controlling behavior, you don’t necessarily have to know or understand what “fear” is involved, you just have to remember that “fear” is the driving force for that person. Try to listen with an understanding ear. There is something that they are not in control of and it isn’t supposed to be you!
Believing that you always know what is “right” and how situations or relationships should be dealt with is ego centered. This person is wanting or needing to feel validated or important. Remember that control and anger are always destructive, negative and ineffectual as far as solution is concerned and will only serve to pull positive energy away from any situation. Control and Anger are disconnecting emotions for any meaningful relationship as they hinder positive movement forward and will actually make you physically sick if allowed to fester for too long.
Secondly, know that grace, humility and forgiveness are really the answers to having and maintaining positive relationships. The important thing to remember is that people usually do the best that they can do at that time. You may not agree with the decisions they are making. You may not like the timing of their choices. You may not like what they have done, BUT, they are making their decisions and acting upon what they believe. Your parents did the best that they could do. You did and continue to do the best that you can do. Your children do the best that they can do. Again, grace, humility and forgiveness will result from remembering that people do the best that they can do. You don’t have to agree with how others act, but acceptance of this statement will make life a lot easier and contain less turmoil.
Thirdly, remember that your heart is yours to protect. The amount of negativity in your life is yours to choose. The number and level of close relationships is yours to select and nurture. Your heart is your gift to others, while your self-esteem allows you to use your talents to the fullest and for the greatest good. Don’t allow control and anger to steal these from your life and relationships. Live as it feels authentic to you. Keep the door to your heart open. Stay positive and “other centered” daily and see what “gifts” come your way.
Carolyn Bates is an ICF Certified Personal Life Coach
Specializing in successful life transitions and retirement for people 50 and older
Visit her website at www.coachinglifedesign.com
Your first consultation is always complimentary 830-598-8961
“Coaching is my passion. The success of my clients, my reward.”
Copyright © 2010 Carolyn C. Bates LLC All Rights Reserved
